The Hypocrisy of Me

I am a hypocrite. I know it, and it’s probably the personal trait that I do battle with the most. My ego has an almost instinctive tendency to look down on the poor, the addicted, the stupid… never mind the fact that I fit into all of those categories like I was manufactured for them. Being cognizant of my bitterness and hatred rarely helps. Beyond a handful of minutes a day, I can’t keep the will to be empathetic in focus.  Perhaps the reason I hate these people so much is because they remind me so much of myself.

My brother is without a doubt the best example of my hypocrisy. Aside from a handful of glaring differences, he and I are identical in our behavior (or, he is identical to how I used to behave). Now to be fair I believe, correctly I think, that his inner darkness makes mine look downright holy, but we have more similarities than differences.

STEALING

I lose my shit on a daily basis when I discover that he has stolen the food I meant to have for lunch the next day; when all of the meat in the house vanishes because he was up from 11pm to 6am stuffing his drunk face. There was even a period where I had gotten so fed up that I was only eating vegetables because I knew that he doesn’t know how to make a meal out of them and when he gets drunk he doesn’t see them as food. Any convenience food… forget about it! We can’t have potato chips or anything of the sort in the house because it won’t last long enough for us to enjoy it. Even though my brother isn’t drinking at the moment (he’s been jobless for over a month) he is still the worst kind of parasite. But…

I stole too. A LOT. And probably more brazenly. As far as I know, and I’m probably wrong, he only steals from his family. I stole from employers, friends… I even stole money out of my mothers purse once. It’s disgusting. So why do I hound on him so much? Well, it’s different when it’s happening to you of course and I shouldn’t just roll over and say “oh, well I used to do it so I understand and I’ll let it slide“. I do let it slide though because I haven’t yet developed the guts to do anything about it. I’m getting there; I was always scared of confrontation as a stunted teenage drunk but as my mind ages in sobriety I find myself challenging people more (when necessary) and it’s only a matter of time before this boils over.

LYING

Addicts lie. It’s basically our vocation. Some of us are great at it and some of us are laughably miserable at it. My brother is the latter. You can catch him red handed and he will still try to argue that it’s not actually happening. There are only two of us in this house besides my mother and it is readily apparent that I am sober, yet he will still claim, slurring and staggering in the doorway, that it wasn’t him who drank all of my mother’s wine and stole all of her Vicodin.

I lied with almost every breath. I was good at it though. I have left a long trail of devastated lovers, employers, friends, and relatives behind me. I latched onto codependent women like a piranha convincing them just long enough that I was one of the good guys and I would be different from all of those other dirt-bags who treated them like they were disposable. Then once they were committed I let the facade drop, comfortable in the knowledge that they were to weak to ever leave me. Once I was done with them I’d toss them aside for the next one. I lied to a boss’ face once, telling him I’d done something important that needed to be done when I hadn’t even attempted it. He knew I was lying but he couldn’t prove it so that was that. I suppose that’s what addicts do… as long as you can’t prove that we’ve done anything, most people are too scared and full of self-doubt to press the issue.

ETC.

Those were my two biggest sins. I said earlier that I considered my brother far worse and that’s simply because he can add totaling three cars while driving drunk, destroying property, and beating his girlfriends bloody to the list. It’s not that I’ve never driven drunk; any alcoholic who says they haven’t is a big fat liar. I’ve never been caught. I’m fortunate enough to have never been caught for any of the things I did. It’s given me an ease of recovery that many other addicts I’ve met find almost insulting. I’m no better or worse than any of them yet I get to act like I am because I’ve never been to prison and I have a sterling employment reputation. And boy do I use that to my advantage. I guess some things never change…

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Mindfulness is Hard.

Over the last week and a half I’ve made a conscious effort to be more mindful throughout the day. Sparked by my recent foray into meditation and yoga, my goal is to snap myself into the moment as frequently as possible. So far I’ve had limited to no success but I will forge ahead. What I have been learning these past few months is that almost everything we do is a skill and as skills they must be practiced and honed. Meditation and mindfulness are no exception.

I meditate every morning as soon as I wake up for at least ten minutes. Some days are a breeze and it seems like only a few stray thoughts enter my mind and are easily let go. Other days, however, I find it nearly impossible to sit still for more than a couple of minutes. Every spot on my face and head starts to itch, I get cramps in my legs, my mind is assaulted with the most random thoughts possible… it is torture. I make sure to always finish the session I had planned, though, and every day it gets a little bit easier. I will always have days in which my mind simply won’t rest just like I will always have days where the thought of having a drink is just a little bit closer to heart than I’d like. The skill lies in not giving in to the despair those situations could lead to. I could easily throw my hands up and say I’m done with meditation because it’s too hard just as I could easily throw back 18 Corona’s and slide into the easy life of letting my mother support me and barely keeping a job. That’s not the life I want though.

Yoga has been similarly difficult to stick with. My impatient self gets angry that after only two weeks I can’t perform every movement flawlessly; upset that I can’t bend over to rest my forehead on my knee. I have to remind myself constantly that in a year of doing this, I will be so much better off. It’s a skill.

Mindfulness as a skill must also not be thrown aside so easily. Every day I manage to come into the moment one more time than the day before. I might stay present for my entire drive to work instead of driving on autopilot while listening to music. Audiobooks have helped at work. Consciously focusing on the words and thinking about what is being said makes it impossible to daydream. This is probably why I get more work done when I’m listening to them. This morning my Headspace app suggested leaving post-it notes around areas I frequent that just remind me to breathe and think about what I’m doing when I come across them. My planner is another way to focus my mind; every day in the morning, after work, and before bed I check in with it to make sure I get certain things done before I move on. It is sometimes hard to remember to even open my planner but, like a skill, I am getting better at it. I am reassured by the fact that the old me would have given up this habit days ago. Every day I stick with it is a gain.

Flying High

As much as I’d love to be able to pick a topic and write a thoughtful essay on it, I’m not there yet. So for now I’m just going to continue writing about life and the lessons I’ve learned lately. Plans are to eventually take time to write more academic posts over the course of several days but to be honest I am just too busy right now; and that feels great!

I’ve always been bored on some level. In alcoholism it was because I repeated the same routine over and over every day which led to depression and feelings of worthlessness. I was always bored, just going through the motions. For six years of my addiction (by no means the entirety of it) I woke up at 6AM, already late for work but I was the boss so I thought nobody noticed (they did). I opened the restaurant and worked my 11 to 12 hour shift in a complete haze, definitely not doing my best work. Then I’d get off work, stop at one of my three usual stores, and drink and play video games until 1 or 2AM. The day after would be a recovery day where I’d fall asleep right after work but I’d be back at it the day after that. Sometimes I’d drink for three or four days straight without a recovery day and some days I’d be sober for two days (almost never three). But the depression and boredom never ended.

Even in early recovery I was bored, but for a different reason. The depression was still there although greatly lessened and it gradually continued to dwindle for the first few months. But boy was I bored! When you’re sober there are so many hours in the day to fill! In the beginning I took a lot of local trips with my mother and aunts but I sank back into a pretty deep depression around month three and stopped doing pretty much anything, fell back into gaming, and although I wasn’t drinking I don’t know if I’d call myself sober. AA throws around the term “dry drunk”. I don’t know if that’s what I was. I think I was just burnt out and trying to find my way. Fortunately I have always been extremely introspective and was able to work my way through it, partially due to the help of a therapist I still see to this day.

About a month ago something changed. Like light from the heavens shined down upon me, I was bestowed with a heretofore unseen level of motivation and pride (not the bad, Christian kind, I’m talking self-esteem). Now, I’m bipolar so I am used to having periods of manic energy where I pick up a dozen hobbies and burn out after two weeks which leads to a month long depression… but this was different. I was skeptical; cautiously waiting for the energy to fade and the depression to return. Knock on wood a month later I’m still going. I have some routines in place which help me and I make sure to take a day to just do nothing so that I don’t burn out. Planning a lazy day is a lot different from just not doing anything because you’re exhausted. I don’t get sad because of it, quite the opposite because I know that I’m taking care of myself.

So I’m still flying high. I’m on the 10th day of my yoga and meditation streak; I’ve even started doing yoga 2-3 times a day because it just feels so good (it hurts at first but once you get some days under your belt it feels like a full body massage when you finish). I’m also on my 10th day of a running streak but I’m only counting 4 because I feel like I wasn’t giving it my all the first 6 days. A friend who runs pretty much for a living gave me some great advice and now I’m on my A game. I’ve run more in the last 4 days than I have in my whole life collectively and that’s including when I was on the track team in high school.

I have plans to do some regular themed posts on certain days of the week to see how that goes. Full disclosure to my few readers: I am gearing up to publish a full blown website on recovery. I know, I know… 95% of sober people do this. I truly feel as though I have a unique perspective and voice in the community though and I genuinely want to help people. In truth it would give me an ego boost too, I won’t lie. Anyone who says otherwise is being deceptive. But we need to get something out of everything we do no matter how altruistic otherwise we will eventually quit.

As always, thanks for reading. I truly am grateful for everyone who reads or comments on my posts and seeing my visitor count go up with every post is exciting.

Rapido

My long time readers might notice a vast increase in activity on my blog. As I mentioned previously (did I mention previously? I never remember my old posts), I’ve been using a planner and scheduling my days out every morning; I always try to include some time to write at the end of the day. I’m aiming for three posts a week even though I write almost every day… my last post was the first one I scheduled for publishing ahead of time which felt like a major accomplishment; having so much material that I could post something the next day without having to write it! This one is being written on the fly at the start of my work day because I had a slightly chaotic two days. However, thanks to my visual schedule, I was able to move things around instead of falling into hopelessness and giving up on all of my goals.

So what happened? Well on Wednesday I assumed, incorrectly, that group therapy was cancelled because the therapist was on vacation. I didn’t know he was back and I mindlessly disregarded the email sent over the weekend reminding me of the appointment. So around 1:00 while looking through my gmail trash folder I saw the reminder that I had to be at therapy at 5:00 until 6:30! I had planned to eat dinner at 6 and simultaneously practice Turkish on Duolingo and then make some progress on my UDEMY courses. So I shuffled it all around, ate later and practiced Turkish at the same time and managed to get 30 minutes of UDEMY work in before I started my evening routine at 9. 30 minutes was plenty because all I was doing that day was setting up the programs I’d need to use for all of my courses.

On Thursday I planned to get up at 5:00 to go to the gym early because I had a run scheduled at lunchtime but due to my own ineptitude at programming Alexa, I woke up at my usual 6:00. It all kind of worked out though… I did my run at lunch like I planned and moved my usual workout routine to 8:00. I was debating doing it all day until about 5 minutes before I left which kind of re-emphasized to me how important it is to plan ahead (I never wrote the 8:00 time on my schedule so it wasn’t concrete in my mind). 8:00 is when I was planning on writing for this page though so I had to skip that til this morning. No biggie, it’s getting done.

If you don’t have a planner I definitely recommend checking it out. I use the Full Focus Planner but you could even just use a notebook. I like the structure of the one I have; makes it really easy and fun to fill out. Friends told me to plan for years and I always thought it was a waste of time; now looking back I realize all the time I was already wasting by not having goals. We all have to learn somehow, though…

Sober Experts

One of the things that I’ve really come to loathe in the recovery community are all of the one-month-sober recovery experts out there who throw their half baked ideas and “facts” at newcomers without hesitation or provocation. It’s never the intelligent, thoughtful people; it’s more commonly the people whose brains have obviously melted in the acidic vodka bath they’ve been simmering in and who can’t survive an hour without telling you that Jesus is responsible for all of your accomplishments (AA totally isn’t religious though! Seriously! No really!).

The most disgusting of these braindead creeps are the ones who try to sell their “expertise” to desperate people looking for a solution. I once knew a woman who, at six months sober from crystal meth, was publishing a book about how to find Jesus and cure your addiction, solving every problem in your life in the process. The problem with this, despite her legion of followers she has to this day, is that she was borderline homeless, unemployed (unemployable, if you’ve tried to have a conversation with her) and had an estranged daughter who refuses to speak with her. Everybody has their issues, we addicts are definitely no exception, but you can’t sell a book and online webinars telling people you can solve all of their problems when your own life is a seemingly unending trainwreck. The icing on this cake is that after the book was finished and she got some money, she wasted no time in relapsing.

WordPress has no shortage of borderline-narcissistic experts on a variety of topics and the recovery community here is not unique in that. If you have come looking for solutions to your drug and/or alcohol problem, take the advice here with a grain of salt. Nobody can tell you how to get sober. Really! It took me years of following all of the “good advice” to find that out. All it takes to get sober is to stop being lazy, handle your life, and stop using. That’s all there is to it. Now, actually doing that is of course the part you’ll have to figure out on your own. Good luck.

New Year; New …

It’s widely accepted by the intellectual class that New Year’s Resolutions are completely redundant. Yet, at the gym this morning there was a long line of people who have obviously never kept a consistent positive habit in their lives signing up for a membership they will abandon in roughly 28 days. “This is the year I will finally get in shape!” they think. “I won’t change a single habit yet I will magically be thin and healthy in 6 months!” is how I imagine their next thought would sound if all pretense was stripped away.

Myself, I’ve fallen into planning and scheduling a lot over the last month. My Full Focus Planner arrived four days ago and I eagerly filled out as much of it as I could ahead of time. Today was the first official day of the quarter so it’s the first I’ve gotten to use the daily pages. I’ve had a morning and evening ritual for a couple of months but putting it down on paper made me realize just how much I actually get done before six in the morning. It also enabled me to tweak my routines and add some things I’ve been meaning to do like early morning yoga and reading fiction before bed.

On top of the planning I seem to have developed an obsession for cleaning. I do the dishes at least three times a day and am constantly cleaning off counters and tables right after they’re used. I don’t think this is a bad obsession and I’m certainly not germophobic, it’s just strange how much I’ve thrown myself into it seemingly by accident.

So for the sake of sharing, as this is my personal blog, here are the annual goals I’ve planned out for 2019. They aren’t New Year’s Resolutions, I promise.

  1. Finish my first semester of college with at least a 3.5 average GPA. I can usually get a 3.0 without any effort so 3.5 will get me to push myself a little bit. Obviously a 4.0 would be amazing and I’ll go for it if it seems possible but this is the first time I’ve gone to a “real” college and I don’t want to overwork myself too early.
  2. Year-end stats for 2018. This is for work.
  3. Pay off remaining debt. There really isn’t much left and although I’ve set this to be finished by the 4th quarter, I think I’ll be finished long before then. Perhaps I should move the timeline up to give it a sense of urgency.
  4. Finish UDEMY coursework. I love UDEMY. You can learn just about anything you can think of there relatively cheaply. Unfortunately I have a habit of buying a bunch of courses and then getting 25% through them and starting a new one. I have about 11 unfinished courses that I want to get done by the end of June. Some of them will aid me in college, too.
  5. Have major holidays & birthdays planned. Set to be finished by the end of this quarter (March) I’ve already made considerable progress. I have picked out all of the birthdays I want to observe (there are too many people at the office to do them all and I don’t even talk to most of the people there) and am planning appropriate menus for holidays.
  6. Run 5k by the end of March. A friend invited me to take part in a race in mid-April and I am absolutely terrible at running so I set myself this goal with the reward of running the race. It will require running every day. I downloaded the couch to 5k app (again) and started at the gym this morning. Since I’ve been a lot more consistent with my habits (“a lot” isn’t even doing it justice I have been like a machine for 3 weeks) I think this time will work out. I look forward to being able to run for more than 2 minutes straight, haha!

That’s what I have for now. 7 – 10 are the recommended amount of annual goals so I’m sure I’ll think of others as January progresses. I might like to set one to have all of my currently owned books read by the middle of the year; seems daunting at a glance but most of my books are cookbooks so I don’t actually have that many that need to be read. The problem with this goal is I’ve been primarily listening to audiobooks lately and haven’t touched my bookshelf. I’ll have to consciously make a change there.

Happy New Year, friends! I wish all the best for you and your family.

 

Sobriety Check-In & Thoughts

December has been an awesome month for me! For one thing, I’ve never been so far ahead on Christmas shopping and wrapping gifts in my whole life; hell I never even bought people gifts for most of my life because I waited til the last minute and spent most of my money on beer / video games / fast food. This year I had most of my shopping done in the first few days of December and wrapped them pretty much right away so today I’m sitting pretty while the rest of my family is frantically wrapping last minute gifts (we’re all generally bad people, I’m just the only one aware enough about it to try to change).

Another big reason December (and the end of November) has been so awesome is that the medication I was put on (Lamotrigine) is PHE-NO-MENAL! It doesn’t give me a high or turn me into a zombie like other medications I’ve tried (Paxil, Fluoxetine), it just balances out my mood so I don’t sink into week-long depressions or have manic days where I spend all my money. I kind of miss the chemical bravery that Paxil gave me but I know that social skills are something that I can teach myself. To be honest I’m not nearly as bad as some people I’ve met so I can’t really beat myself up too much for being awkward around women and manly men.

My mood being balanced has led to a lot of other great changes. I’ve consistently been going to the gym at least every 3 days whereas before I’d go for 2 days and then quit for a month, eliminating any chance of making progress. If I wake up not feeling like going it’s a lot easier for me to psyche myself up and just do it instead of laying in bed for an hour. It might help that I have an Amazon Echo that turns on my lights and starts playing music at 6AM every day. I’ve enrolled in a REAL college (instead of community) and start on the 7th. I got everything done kind of late so was only able to get into 3 of the 5 classes needed for my first semester but I thought I wasn’t going to be able to go at all until spring so I am still ahead. I’m getting a bachelors in science with a focus on cybersecurity. The school I’m going to is ranked as one of the best for cybersecurity in the country. My cousin, a high school teacher who teaches IT as an elective, told me about it and said that most students here get hired before they even finish the degree. I want to get a degree but am not opposed to working a better job through college.

I’ve been reading and listening to audiobooks a lot. They really are the easiest, best way to improve your life. I use the Scribd app (I think I mentioned that before; not trying to advertise I just love it) which has tons of audiobooks on pretty much any subject and I just listen in headphones at work. I got through Tyrant: Shakespeare on Politics and The Science of Habit (I think?) in one day. I’ve slowed down since then… I tend to put a lot of attention on new things and then slack off later but thanks to my MOOD DRUGS I am still keeping up an average pace. Currently reading Blueprint by Robert Plomin and My Morning Routine by Benjamin Spall. Blueprint argues that genetics are far more responsible for who we are than our environment and upbringing, contrary to most pop psychology. My Morning Routine just goes through the routines of about 50 different successful people so you can get some ideas. Lots of variety although the vast majority of them have some sort of exercise as soon as they wake up.

So that’s my month. Still trying to get into a better writing routine but I have some ideas on how to do that which I’m going to try out in January. See you soon, hopefully!

7 Months / How I Stopped Wasting Food and Lost 30lbs

In December – January 2018 I attempted to complete my third Whole30 reboot. I had been marginally successful, food-wise, on my first attempt and utterly failed at my second. I say marginally successful because I was of course still drinking alcohol which is a major no-no on the Whole30 diet. My goal for these wasn’t to lose weight or to start eating less but to re-evaluate my relationship with food. When I (frequently) state that I believe almost every American is an addict, what I can usually point to is food. “How can you be addicted to food though? We need it to survive!” is the average rebuttal. While it is true that one can’t quit food the same way they can quit alcohol and drugs, the way Americans eat is disgusting and, frankly, killing us as a society.

If you’re an average American, you probably swing wildly between wanting to be healthier and binge eating Taco Bell at 2AM like some kind of manic, off-rhythm metronome. Once a month or so you begin the day with great intentions of this finally being the day you’ll start cooking all of your meals, possibly prepping ahead of time, and tracking your caloric intake to figure out just how much you need to feel “normal” throughout the day. Then noon rolls around and you don’t feel like cooking; maybe you’re too busy with work or the kids have been a nightmare all morning. Then one o’clock comes and goes and you still haven’t cooked but now you’re really hungry. You have to eat! You’re totally sicking to your diet but you need to get something fast in you to make it through the next several hours so what’s the harm in a Big Mac? You cave to your emotions and dinner, as well as the rest of the week, is a wash.

Just like there are many ways in which an addict deals with their addiction, there are a million ways in which the above story can play out for different people. I illustrated how it worked for me but if you can’t relate to that particular story, it doesn’t mean we are inherently different. Coinciding with addictions are decades of emotional and physical trauma and genetic predispositions that make each of our situations unique. How it all culminates is familiar to most of us though. We eat a whole bag of Doritos while sitting in front of the TV because we had to have chips. We pick up fast food on the way home from work because we’re just too tired not too (a strange thought: being tired so you have to go out of your way to get something you don’t need). On the off chance that someone reading this isn’t a drug or alcohol addict and wants to understand what it feels like, that is what it feels like. That feeling of not being able to say no to a cheeseburger is how an alcoholic feels when they crave booze. The main difference is that after your cheeseburger, most of you can bring yourselves to stop.

So Whole30 wasn’t doing it for me. It’s a lot of work and very expensive if you want to do it the right way (you could eat chicken salad every day but that’s not really the point). I learned a few skills from it such as building a meal template for the week and prepping ahead of time but I couldn’t stick with it. Things kept “coming up” and I’d cave into my cravings for bread and cheese which shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone who knows me given that I didn’t have much success fighting my craving for alcohol for 20 years. The biggest challenge I had was coming home and wanting to cook. Even in sobriety there are days where I don’t want to come home from work and spend another hour in the kitchen. So I did something a bit radical and to some people a bit silly. I felt that the only way to be able to turn addiction to food into a simple consumption of fuel I had to really dumb down the process.

I ate nothing but potatoes for a month. This isn’t a new idea; Andrew Taylor has written books on it and given probably dozens of talks. In fact I first heard about it three years ago on some podcast or another (I used to listen to a lot of podcasts while nursing a hangover in the morning; they keep you awake). My friends will tell you that I am oft taken by extreme ideas because I love being gung ho about something for 45 minutes and then quitting completely. I think that I’m attracted to the idea of reinventing myself, but that’s another story for another time. It’s simple, though: you eat nothing but potatoes (about 5 pounds a day) for at least 30 days. Andrew Taylor did it for a year and lost 117lbs but I wasn’t really doing this for weight loss. I was doing it because eating the same, semi-bland (let’s be honest) meal for a month is a great way to show yourself that you don’t need to eat what you WANT every time you’re hungry. Post-potato diet my beliefs have changed fundamentally about food. When I look in the fridge and see a bag of spinach, chicken, and various other veggies and condiments, I don’t see what I want vs. what I don’t want. I don’t even see potential meals. I simply see calories. I’ve always been good at memorizing numbers and currently my head is a database of nutritional information for all of my staples. I didn’t choose staples by the taste or whether or not they were my favorite things, I chose them because they were the most nutritionally dense foods at the most reasonable price. Once could say that my new addiction is portion control (a great band too, by the way).

Now, I’m not insane. I still like doing out to dinner with friends and enjoying a well cooked, delicious meal. It’s not not what I need 6 days out of the week. Not only has this affected my waistline and wallet but it’s also removed a lot of decision making from my life, leaving me free to make more important decisions in that time. If you’re struggling to get over food addiction or even if you don’t think you have a food addiction but acknowledge that you eat too many french fries, give it a shot. You don’t have anything to lose and eating a bag of potatoes over a few days (if you fail) will at least save you some money. I spent about $10 a week on food during that month.

And… if you’re like the one friend I have who told me “but I don’t like potatoes” well… that’s kind of the point.

Unions, Voting, and Such…

I’ve decided to branch out and write about general topics and ideas that strike me as compelling instead of just talking about my recovery over and over. I’m still sober; I plan on staying that way.

Election day is coming up in just a couple of days and yesterday I received a text from someone with my Union at work telling me who to vote for. I doubt there’s anything technically illegal with this and funnily enough it just reminded me to write the letter to opt out of my union that I’d been planning on writing for a year but it still left a bad taste in my mouth. I was going to vote for who they recommended anyway but it gave me a brief, childish feeling of rebellion where I contemplated voting the other way just to spite them. Haha, the immaturity rears its ugly head still once in a while.

I’ve been on the fence about voting for most of my life. At the core you are really just voting for one corrupt liar or another; you don’t get in a position to become Governor or President without taking a few bribes and telling a few hundred lies, in my opinion. Those people come from local government usually and if you pay attention to your own city or county legislature there are probably more than a couple of criminals in office. In my home county we’re in our 3rd year of a federal corruption investigation that has ruined several careers so far but the majority of them are still going to get away with whatever they’ve done. Even if they do get busted all they do is resign and retire into abundant wealth. Win-win, right? It doesn’t help that the outsiders who win elections are for some reason always completely insane (not even talking about the President yet) so it puts people off voting that way again for a few years.

Fundamentally everyone needs to educate themselves on their candidates, get involved with their local government, and make an informed vote. The likelihood of this ever happening approaches zero more and more every election cycle but I have to dream. If everyone in the United States voted and elected the worst human being imaginable, I’d be okay with that because that’d be what the majority of the country wanted. I’d probably have to emigrate after that but it would at least be a consensus. Our elections right now are just manipulation. Half the country votes one way because the evil brown people will kill us all and the other half votes the other way because having money makes you evil. It’s ridiculous. I don’t feel like it was this way when I was younger but who can really tell what the past was truly like?

Back to unions though… useless. Completely useless. The only people who are afraid of unions disbanding are the people who should be getting fired. The rest of us are sick of working our asses off and making the same amount of money as people who show up two days a week and read Facebook for their whole day. The one benefit to my union is after I opt out and lose the ridiculous $40 a check fee they charge, they still have to represent me for free.

So that’s my current goal. I am meeting with a psychiatrist FINALLY tomorrow to see about getting medicated for ADD. I’m trying to not bank on that having a major impact on my life because I don’t want to be disappointed but it would be nice to be able to hold a single thought in my head for more than 30 seconds.

Til next time…

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