It’s 4AM. I went to bed at 11PM and have to “get up” for work at 7AM at the latest (unless I want to forego breakfast and coffee which is rarely a great idea). I haven’t actually slept one moment tonight. My usual ritual of fantasizing about 19-year-old girls’ feet just didn’t knock me out this time.
This happens every night before the start of my work week; I’m not sure why. I’m not anxious, I’m not excited, I’m not stressed. I go to bed feeling just as sleepy as usual and I lay there until I decide to give up and just play some video games until the alarm clock goes off.
Last week I started to see a new psychiatrist because my usual doctor is too busy these days. Apparently batshitophrenia is spreading like mad this year. I complained to this new doctor (who isn’t actually a psychiatrist but some sort of nurse who can write prescriptions… I don’t care either way) about the things I’d already talked to the last one about… not being able to sleep at night but being exhausted the second I wake up, and not being able to get out of bed. My previous doctor prescribed an SSRI to help give me energy in the morning. This had a fatal flaw, however. If you need to take a pill to be able to get out of bed in the morning, you have to get out of bed to take the pill.
She (the new doctor/not-doctor) changed my Adderall prescription to be extended release instead of the 20mg all-at-once cocaine sociopathy I’ve had for the last year and a half. I don’t like it so far. Not only am I not more rested in the morning, I’m now exhausted all day as well and my depression and self-loathing has returned with a vengeance. At least now I know that the only reason I ever stop hating myself is because I find something to distract my mind with. That’s kind of the trick to depression in general, isn’t it? People who are chronically depressed always seem to be the people who think about things way too much. I’ve never thought this was a disease and these findings (can you call poorly documented self-reflection “findings”?) seem to support that in my mind. I’m not genetically broken or chemically disabled. I was simply raised by parents who weren’t very active and didn’t think it was very important to teach me to be active. So I sat around and thought about why I’m such a loser all day, every day, for nearly 40 years when the simple answer is because that’s what losers do.
I watched a YouTube video while I was failing to sleep titled “5 small habits that will change your life forever!”. You can tell just by the title that it’s going to be pop-psychology nonsense that has never helped a single person but those kind of videos actually get my click because I have to prove myself right. Sure enough, the first small habit was writing 3 things you’re grateful for every morning. All of you self-help bloggers out there really need to stop spreading this garbage! I did this shit for over a year (I actually helped run a “gratitude focused” company) and observed literally zero change in any aspect of my life other than periodically being annoyed that I had to struggle to think of 3 things I was happy about at 5AM.
I don’t really know how to end this post. So… that’s it.